An interview with God

The circus came to D.C. Wednesday, when the so-called Financial Crisis Inquiry Commission held its first hearing. The heads of four of the nation’s biggest banks were on hand for the festivities. Don’t expect much from a 10 member panel one financial writer calls your “typical random assortment of Washington freaks, fruitcakes, and wingnuts.”

But afterwards, I jumped at the rare opportunity to sit down with Goldman Sachs chief, Lloyd Blankfein, known to insiders simply as “God.”

So, how’s tricks? I asked.

“Doing God’s work.”

Yes, of course. After all—you are God. Now, I’ve gotta ask you this, cuz a lot of my corporate clients are curious—after your recent theft of the national treasury, well… are you planning to slow down any? You know, take it easy and just chill out for awhile?

“Is it possible to have too much ambition? Is it possible to be too successful?”

Of course not. And I see your point, especially considering you’ve the weight of all creation upon your shoulders. But what about your associates, the Goldman Sachs Underlords of Darkness? Surely they can’t compete with your infinite energy. Any vacations for them in the offing?

“I don’t want people in this firm to think that they have accomplished as much for themselves as they can and go on vacation. As the guardian of the interests of the shareholders and, by the way, for the purposes of society, I’d like them to continue to do what they are doing. I don’t want to put a cap on their ambition. It’s hard for me to argue for a cap on their compensation.”

Who’s talking compensation? I’m saying once they’ve gobbled up everything good in this world, don’t your minions deserve just a teensy stretch of ol’ fashion R&R?

“We have a social purpose.”

I’m not sure what that has to do with my question, but alright, how do you think the average Joe feels about you ladling out tens of billions in bonuses and options to guys who brought down the economy, foreclosed on Joe’s home, took his job, stole his retirement, destroyed his marriage and self esteem, and then he gets taxed for the $10 billion-plus his own government hands you to do with what you will?

“Everybody should be, frankly, happy.”

Perhaps you misunderstood what I’m saying. You and your cohorts destroyed the lives of millions of people around the world, and you’re rewarding that with record bonuses? I’m a cutthroat capitalist myself, you know. But is that any way for a just and compassionate God to behave?

“Yes,” replies Lord God Lloyd, “I have attained perfection.”

You may be perfect, but according to the Sunday Times of London you might want to check up on your workforce. A staffer detailed for the Times just what Goldman Sachs employees do in their free time. I quote, “God, no,” meaning, I guess, that you aren’t personally in on this, “we don’t club baby seals,” your staffer boasted to the Times reporter. “We club babies.”

“Don’t tell me this is unlikely, what if it did happen?”

That’s my point. Isn’t murdering babies a little, you know—extreme?

“I do think the behavior is improper. We regret the consequence that people have lost money in it.”

Lost money clubbing babies to death?

“I understand people are pissed off, mad, and bent out of shape.”

Mad! Lord Almighty, this is a moral crisis! For Godsakes, we’re talking Goldman Sachs traders gleefully taking golf clubs and teeing off on the itty-bitty skulls of innocent tykes. What are you going to do about it?

“The financial system led us into the crisis and it will lead us out.”

But you are God. Only you have the power to change all this horrendous evil and make it good.

“I think a strong Goldman Sachs…is good for the country.”

But babies…dear God. I can’t imagine anything worse. You are all-powerful. These overpaid Goldman Sachs players are just part of a rigged financial system.

“I’ve got news for you.” Suddenly God stiffens. He squints at me with no small measure of malice, “If the financial system goes down, our business is going down and, trust me, yours and everyone else’s is going down, too.”

But people are talking….

“I know I could slit my wrists and people would cheer,” God replies.

Now you’re talking suicide. Don’t you damn people eternally to hell for that?

“It’s a virtuous cycle,” he says, getting up and mumbling to himself as he walks away.

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Will Nevrluz is a corporate journalist and media consultant for more than three dozen Fortune 500 companies, including MMMung Inc. — “MMMung stands for the free market freedom to own it all.”