Sex and the Single Zombie

Where do young, healthy Zombies turn for love, lust and affection? My good friend and mentor, Dr. Ida Braene, posed me this question while we browsed strap-ons at Good Vibes last week. She told me of a young male Zombie unliving in Colma who inquired how and where he should seek love, and — more importantly — what could he do to have his sexual needs fulfilled. I took a few days researching Mr. Zeimer’s concerns since, while sexually adventurous, I’ve yet to do a Zombie. Apologies, Mr. Zeimer.

So here’s what I discovered. Over the last few decades Zombies have benefited from an ever-accelerating evolutionary development. Since the African Kimbundu tribe first revealed their existence to the west in the early 19th Century, Zombies have passed through a series of unkind developmental phases. These oft involved decomposed flesh falling away or being consumed whilst engaged in the erotic arts, thus denying one’s partner like pleasure.

The Zombie libido is truly a marvelous thing, particularly when freed of the need to continually feed, and from the unmortal fear of one’s head getting shot off.

But recent breakthroughs in science and technology mean Zombies no longer need be continually rotting to dust. Nor do they require daily human flesh. Consumption is down and Zombies are all the better for it. In fact, a Zombie with good health coverage actually unlives longer than your average brain dead redneck. With a consistent drug regimen, today’s Zombie needn’t fear his sexual apparatus will putrify and disengage; nor does the healthy female Zombie face the embarrassment of muff reek that makes a New York sewer smell like spring lilacs.

And, to demonstrate just how far they’ve progressed one need only look to politics and to the corporate world. Zombies are no longer a rarity in either of these fast-paced realms. That they never sleep, and that they exhibit no qualms, hesitation or conscience is a big plus in climbing the rungs of power.

Many Zombies have even been elected to public office. It’s hard to imagine where today’s Republican Party would be without them. Zombies can be found everywhere in the highest echelons of the corporate world, as well. The Pharmaceutical industry, health insurance, defense contracting, oil, food and major mass media are all filthy with Zombie execs. Thank Ronald Reagan. By deregulating natural Zombie behavior the Gipper flung open the doors to our current Zombie renaissance. Today, big bank boardrooms and their executive suites both are chock-full of horny, hard working, and excessively wealthy Zombies.

So, with all these material world triumphs it surprised me to discover that there’s a pronounced gulf between privileged Zombies running, for example, lobbying firms, advertising agencies, megachurches and the like, and poor unemployed and underemployed Zombies hidden from sight and ghettoized in places like Colma.

Your typical corporate Zombie enjoys a swinging sexual lifestyle. Here the old adage “money is nature’s most powerful aphrodisiac” seems to hold quite true. The Zombie libido is truly a marvelous thing, particularly when freed of the need to continually feed, and from the unmortal fear of losing one’s head.

But in Al Zeimer, the young Zombie who queried Ida, as with other poor young Zombies like him, we confront a host of seemingly irresolvable problems, particularly when it comes to getting laid. Firstly, unlike his boardroom brethren, Al hasn’t benefited one iota from Zombie deregulation. He hasn’t a job, money, proper medical care or clean clothes. He’s never taken a shower, had his hair cut, his nails trimmed, or been fitted with proper spectacles. Al’s never been to school, so he hasn’t learned that shambling about grunting, groaning and dragging one’s feet while excrement emerges from his every orifice is a sure turn off to most everyone but certain German “kaviar” fetishists.

Sadly, Al’s plight is all too typical. A few haves enjoy the best of all things, while vast Zombie masses suffer unremitting poverty and anguish. As for sex and only sex, I’m told a few dive bars can be found not far from Colma, but these aren’t the sort that welcome Zombies. Even if they did, however, we must remember that alcohol affects performance. Living persons are no match for the energies of an aroused Zombie – even when the living partner is sober. Just imagine if the object of one’s lust has just tossed back a few stiff ones. Not a pretty sight. Nosiree, barflys simply will not satisfy a Zombie’s lust for more than a quick snack.

So to Al, and to every less fortunate Zombie living on the bleak edges of society, I wish you well. Perhaps it’s time you rise up and demand of your fellow Zombies that they share a tiny measure of their lucky bounty with you. After all, those who have reached the pinnacles of wealth and power did so on the backs of your hard labor. They’re uniquely capable of understanding your plight and providing remedies. Tell them you require health care, a roof over your head, educational opportunities and decent paying jobs so you too might gouge your mark into society. Demand that they grant you the respect you deserve — and don’t forget to carry tissues and condoms. Should you get lucky you won’t want to catch a disease..