Mystery of the Trumpet Royales

It’s the holidays again, when our thoughts turn to giving, and to the occasional embarrassment of getting. Getting, that is, something you don’t exactly know what to do with. Yesterday morning, for example, I found a five pound plastic sack chock-full of plump, white, fantasy-book-looking fungi propped against my front door. But nary a note as to who was the gifter.

The doubtlessly pricey bold-stemmed beauties were nothing the likes I’d tried before. Print on the bag suggested they came from Gourmet Mushrooms, Inc., of Sebastapol, up in Sonoma County. Their variety wasn’t indicated, but the label on the bag read USDA certified organic. Curiously, they were also certified by something called QAI.

Gourmet Mushrooms, Inc., of course, has a web site. There I compared my gift fungi with photos of their offerings. Took something of a hunt to finger them as Trumpet Royales, though. See, the Sebastapol ‘shroomsters cultivate 15 different nutraceutical species in addition to their seven culinary varieties.

Okay, but how do they taste? Online it said to cut the thick Trumpet Royale stems into medallions the size of say, sea scallops, and – if prepared properly – their flavor and consistency is remarkably scallop-like. Well, I do love scallops.

Next it was off to the library to dig even deeper. I aimed to conjure up a recipe or two of my own making. There was no guarantee that a one of these fantasy concoctions would pan out, but I damn sure made them complicated. By day’s end I’d churned out eighteen (!#%!#@!!) admittedly suspect recipes meant to enhance a primary ingredient I’d yet to even taste. Later, my dreams reinvented these obsessions into a loudmouth gang of churlish ‘shrooms threatening to make me into gravy.

Dawn broke and I figured I’d devote the entire day to recipe testing. Think Bay Area Test Kitchen meets the Mad Hatter. But before getting down to business I first fiddled, fidgeted and stalled; browsed the net, took a bath and rolled around with the cats. Finally, it couldn’t be delayed any longer. With time eating up the afternoon I finally cleaned and sliced a few ounces of caps and stems. The time seemed right to toss together my first challenge — a tome-length marinade involving balsamic reduction, EVOO, pressed garlic, smoked sea salt, a mixture of fresh and dry spices and maybe 27 other choice ingredients. Suddenly it hit me. I was darn awful hungry, right then.

Skillet red hot, a pat of butter was impulsively flipped to sizzle. In went the mushrooms, along with a sprinkling of S&P. Toss, toss. Yesterday’s brown rice emerged from the fridge. Suddenly it was a stir fry. Chomp-chomp. Man, these Trumpet Royales were super deelish – creamy, meaty, butter-browned and wholesome yum-yums.

And so it was nap time…recipes be damned.

Just then the phone rang. My daughter Mikki asked had I tried her special mushrooms yet. She’s a vegan on a mission. Mikki insisted I roast, saute, pickle, grill, poach and otherwise delectatize the entire five pound batch for Christmas. “Forget the ham, roast or turkey,” she intructed. “Disguise them, dad. Grandpa Pete (he a notorious meatarian) won’t even have to know they’re mushrooms!”

Now, that’s a challenge, I thought. “Alright,” I told her, turning my attention back to the sheaf of could-be mushroom recipes. Gotta get to work. Pulling this one over on Pete Bingo won’t be easy. That nap will just have to wait.

Here’s an easy recipe from Gourmet Food, Inc’s. website:

http://www.gourmetmushroomsinc.com/default.aspx

Grilled Spicy Trumpet Royale™

8 oz. Trumpet Royale™ Mushrooms
3 Tablespoons olive oil
1 Tablespoon balsamic vinegar
1-1 1/2 teaspoons garam masala
1/4 teaspoon salt

Smaller mushrooms may be left whole, cut larger ones in half. Combine all ingredients except mushrooms and whisk. Add mushrooms and toss to coat. Grill on hot grill, turning once, until brown grill marks show. May also be oven-roasted for five minutes at 450°. Side dish for two or three or garnish for six or more servings.

Garam Masala is a traditional blend of Indian seasonings that is typically sweeter and not as hot as curry. Unlike curry it contains no yellow turmeric or hot chili, but it packs a wallop with cardamom, coriander, cumin, and other spices. It can be found in any market specializing in Indian or Asian items as well as most gourmet and health stores. It is so special that it is worth seeking out. (You’ll find it a delicious addition to any squash also.) If unavailable, use chili powder, curry or mix ¼ teaspoon each of cinnamon and black pepper.